If I could have three wishes granted, I would wish for
1) a best friends necklace to share with the Duchess of Cambridge,
2) to anonymously win the Powerball (money doesn’t buy happiness but it does buy an island and a plane, MKAY?),
3) to know of a world where all the adults acted like babies for my entertainment.
Enter this world with me:
- Our thigh rolls would be SO IN right now.
Imagine the elation you would feel as an adult baby if someone commented on how chunky your legs and arms are. “New favorite person, would you also please take a close look at my triple chin and speak a kind word to it as well?” Trending: #FatRollsMatter
- I would swat at the iPhone with complete disregard and zero accountability for my swipes.
This would explain how I ended up on the Facebook page of my college roommate’s ex-boyfriend’s wife’s photo album from their holiday trip to Cancun and accidentally liked a photo. I just tried to FaceTime the Honda Dealership? I downloaded four apps and agreed to their terms and conditions that supposedly forfeit my rights as an American citizen? I can’t help it guys, I’M AN ADULT BABY!
- Lunch breaks at work would be like:
Eating carrots because I like carrots. Smearing banana into my hair. Wiping banana in your hair. Throwing carrots because WHO COULD POSSIBLY like carrots? Licking the table for three minutes. Gazing longingly at your grilled cheese. Suddenly stuffing all available food into my mouth at once.
- Pay our bills in Puffs, the currency of babes.
“I’m sorry, I won’t be able to give you $45 for the electric bill, but I can afford to give you 45 Puffs because all of them are currently stuck to my high chair and the car floor.”
- Crawling is our CrossFit.
All it would take to tone up the core is a few brisk laps crawling around the kitchen. Additional perk: you may even find a snack on the ground while you’re working out. Put me in, Coach!
- I would have permission to cry in any of these scenarios:
-You’re making me eat your disgusting food.
-Don’t leave me!!!!! Don’t you ever leave me!!!!
-I just want to lick the remote control. Is this too much to ask.
- We could nap anywhere without being judged or getting fired.
It would be appropriate- even expected- that we would lay down on our work papers and fall asleep for an hour. As a committed napper and borderline narcoleptic, all I can say is yassssssssssssssss.
- Conference calls would look like:
Everyone say their favorite animal noise. Discuss agenda item #1: Should we eat staples? (Action Step: No, we should not.) Each person gets to do their loudest squeal. Bang the phone on the table five times to signal the end of the call.
- You are weird, therefore I will stare at you for twelve minutes with uninterrupted eye contact.
Optimal locations to practice adult-baby-staring:
-Walmart (Black Friday)
-State Fair (Anyone with a turkey leg)
-Airport (Stare at the outfits people choose to travel in)
-Gym (Watch the Dudebros getting their cardio-crawling in on the treadmill)
- My Amazon cart: ordering a Sleep Sack for a size 5’8”.
Also in my cart… a wipe warmer because WHY NOT. I’ll take a pair of socks that look like ballet slippers and a Tommee Tippee for my morning coffee. Put it on the tab, Prime!
Talk to me, Interweb… what’s missing from the list?