If I can’t be at the State Fair to people watch, then put me on a beach. Let me slip on my sunglasses and stare at the crowds. I’ll try and figure out how that group is related and how those two ended up together. Let’s talk about Beach People for a minute and how out of control they really are. I want to read my book so badly but I can’t because I have to understand why This Lady is attempting to skim board with her nine year old. How long will Family run after their rogue umbrella? When will That Guy realize his sandy crack has been jumping waves with his sagging bathing suit the past ten minutes? Sensory overload. I just can’t.
Profiles: People of the Beach
Name: Man With Metal Detector
Strengths: Eternal Optimist; accumulates piles of treasure including crusty coins, a fork, some Claire’s jewelry, and a college class ring
Weakness: Seems to inconspicuously guide the detector near bikinis. No metal to be found there, SIR.
Life Motto: “Get rich or die tryin”
Name: Pier Dweller
Description: Either a family in desperate search for sun cover or a collection of college students strapping Eno hammocks to pier poles.
Favorite Color: Shade
Most Likely To: post a bouncer at each pier post to stake their claim
Name: Seagull Feeders
AKA: MY NEMESIS
Name: People From Ohio
Easily Spotted: The ones caravanning everywhere, using shopping carts in Wings
Favorite Souvenirs to Buy: mood rings, taffy, dolphin keychains, tie dye boogie boards, obviously the hermit crabs
Beach Week Uniform: Neon orange family reunion tees
Name: The Gamers
Description: Those who cannot sit still in a beach chair and must be active at all moments.
The Gamers’ Game Line Up: Bocce Ball, then Beach Volleyball, followed by throwing the football, play Ladderball, dominate in Spikeball, Kan Jam, on REPEAT.
Will Stop Gaming For: hydration, pee break, or thunderstorms.. otherwise: game on.
Name: The Beachcomber
Description: The slow-walker holding a palm-full of shells, scrutinizing every pile of sand for sharks’ teeth and conchs
Strength: Holding that deep squat through the burn
Weakness: Cross-eyed with a neck hunch
Life Motto: “Gotta catch ’em all.”
Name: Frat Bros
Easily Spotted: The ones with beach speakers, muscle tanks, and a cooler of beer sitting next to the “No Alcoholic Beverages Allowed On Beach” sign. Keeping it classy.
Most Likely To: Have a SALT LIFE sticker on their Tahoes
Overheard: heatedly arguing about intramural flag football rules
AKA: The Beach Exhibitionist
Description: They know the peak hours for sun exposure, the tide charts which affects chair placement, and the bathing suit with the least restrictive tan lines. It’s an Art, people.
Ethnicity: somewhere on the spectrum of WhiteGirl NeedaTan to Native American
Name: One Big Happy Family
Description: They have the picnic blanket, Puddle Jumpers for the littles, plenty of apple slices, and a whole bunch of shovels.
A Tip: Give them two hours before the baby is naked and drinking sea water, the 3 year old is crying because SAND, Dad is off digging a hole by himself, and Mom wonders why she even brought a magazine. smh.
Name: The Instagrammer
6:30am: Coffee + sunrise
11am: Hot dog legs
1pm: Oceanfront jumping pic with besties
3:15pm: Ocean waves + Zac Brown Band lyrics caption
4pm: Heart in the sand + endless heart emojis <3 <3 <3
8:30pm Yoga pose + sunset
Name: That Person Who’s Fried After Day One
Most Likely To: drink aloe vera from the bottle
Sunscreen Application Method: “SwipeSwipeDone”
Famous Last Words: “I don’t need to reapply.. I don’t really burn.”
Today, we salute you, People of the Beach. All y’all with your hot dog legs, your metal detectors, your orange Cheeto fingers feeding those seagulls. I can’t help staring at you out of fascination from my beach chair, but there’s no judgment here. Just a whole lot of love for all of the entertainment you provide and some personal inner commentary that takes my beach day to the next level. You just keep on proudly, weirdly, awesomely doing you.