Now Enrolling: Common Sense College

Ladies and gentlemen of the general public, Common Sense College is now open for enrollment!  And many of you qualify for a full course load.  Our mission is to help people just do better.  Regardless of how many advanced degrees you hold or your current career path, there’s no better time than now to learn how to successfully be a human!

Common Sense College has been created out of pure necessity upon realizing that common sense is, in fact, not common.  Read through a sample of the course descriptions to get a better idea of what we offer.

CS 101 What Not To Say
Learn how to appropriately interact with family, friends, and strangers using basic interpersonal skills, including an in-depth exploration of what not to say to pregnant ladies (“Do those cankles hurt” replaced with “Would you like me to clean your house while you get a pedicure and eat a chicken biscuit?”) and what not to say to those who are older than you (“Technically you could be my Mom” replaced with “I think the waiter was checking you out, Nancy!”).  Additionally, you will spend a significant amount of time exploring the etiquette of social media: what not to say on the internet and other related topics (how to not look crazy, polite interaction on Facebook comments, Tweets you should go ahead and delete).

CS 102 Airport Outfit Choices
In this course, students will evaluate various outfits to determine the best clothing choices for a day of flying.  You will be STRONGLY ADVISED not to wear the following:
-stiletto pumps (no ma’am. not when you’re gonna have to Home Alone sprint to catch your flight.)
-“Bride” and “Groom” tank tops (like, why did this happen in the first place tho)
-any shoes that take longer than .01 second to take off/put on/lace up/buckle together in the security line in front of me
-any kind of non-business suit that’s generally annoying: wind suits, Juicy velour suits, sweat suits with “Work It” down the arm and leg
-crop top and booty shorts (there are icicles growing by my air vent up here.  CLOTHE UP sister)

CS 103 Naming Your Child
Taught by former teachers.  They will spend the majority of class reviewing your list of Possible Baby Names playing the “Sounds Like, Rhymes With” game.  You will learn some basic guidelines for naming a child, including: sleep on it before choosing nouns as a name.  (Violet Hope? Ok we can work with this.  This sounds like a real name. Symphony Mist?  This sounds like you closed your eyes while looking at perfume at Walgreen’s and chose whichever scent you picked up.  Enroll in this class now.)  For your final exam, all you have to do is submit an acceptable baby name on a piece of paper.  Full disclosure: if it has apostrophes and dashes in it, you will be asked to retake the entire course because girl bye, ain’t nobody got time to pronounce La’Kwa-Na-Tyr’e.

CS 104 Living The Married Life
A course intended to decrease marital arguments and improve quality of life.  Common sense topics covered are:
-how to put away clothes
-why we sync our iCalendars
-ground rules of an adult (we put wet towels in the washer instead of leaving them in the car)
-why our TV will always play The Bachelor premiere before the College Football National Championship
-how to share the last brownie

CS 105  THINK.
{Prerequisite- CS 101: What Not To Say}
In this revolutionary class, you actually have to sit and think before any actions are taken and before any words leave your mouth. You will hold a cup of coffee and realize it is, in fact, hot, so maybe don’t drink it right away.  You will watch a commercial of a car being driven down a cliff and discuss why this is not safe, realistic, or something you should ever attempt.  Former Miss South Carolina will serve as a guest speaker and reenact her answer to the pageant question, “Recent polls have shown a fifth of Americans can’t locate the U.S. on a world map. Why do you think this is?”:

“I personally believe that U.S. Americans are unable to do so because some people out there in our nation don’t have maps and, uh, I believe that our education, like such as in South Africa and, uh, the Iraq, everywhere like such as and I believe that they should, our education over here in the U.S. should help the U.S., er should help South Africa, and should help the Iraq and the Asian countries so that we will be able to build up our future for our children.”

Following her presentation, she will assist students in locating The Iraq and The Asian Countries on a world map so that you will be one of the U.S. Americans who can build up our future for our children.  #makeadifference #lifegoals

CS 106 Pokemon Go NO
Common Sense College follows cultural trends and provides courses that align.  This semester, we’re here to help you navigate the world of Pokemon Go with common sense so you can maintain your status as really cool and relevant but still middle-aged. Regular walking field trips will help you catch more Pokemon and teach you safety rules like- “walk in front of traffic and you’ll die”, “maybe don’t go to a dark alley to look for Pidgey at 2am”, and “if you trespass onto someone’s property looking for a Pokestop, you might get shot and you might deserve it”.

Common Sense College prides itself on being the only college to explicitly instruct you how to conduct yourself, draw logical conclusions, and interact with others in real world settings.  Our college is accredited to award “JUST DO BETTER” degrees and certificates to all of our graduates.  For more information on joining the first class of students, show up at Ben & Jerry’s tomorrow morning.  Get yourself some Chunky Monkey, write your name on our Sign Up Sheet (website down for maintenance), and I’ll take your deposit check.

Spread the word to all your people: Common Sense College is now open for enrollment!