SOUND THE ALARM.
Daylight Savings is upon us. Humans without small children, enjoy that extra hour of sleep. I’m so happy* for you. (*Technically, bitter envy.) Humans whose small children will be awake at the crack of dawn, read on, this is for you.
Remembering the good ole days, what life used to be like..
Pre-Parenthood Daylight Savings Time // Order of Events:
1. Stay up on Saturday night until the clock says 11:30pm which really means 10:30pm. #mentalmath
2. Get in bed. Sleep for an uninterrupted ten hours.
3. Wake up refreshed and relaxed at 8:30am. Lay in bed extra minutes ‘cuz you can.
4. Get out of bed and float through your morning routine: hum U2 during your morning pee, wink at a bluebird, splash a little handful of water on your face like the pretty people on Neutrogena commercials.
5. Turn back clocks and watches. Voila! Daylight Savings Time has been conquered!
Daylight Savings Time As A Parent // Order of Events:
1. Stay up on Saturday night until the clock says 11:30pm because the house is so quiet and peaceful. You are deceived into believing you are about to get extra sleep tonight.
2. Hear the first stirrings at 4:45am. Pray that you’re hearing burglars and not toddlers. Burglars who are able to help themselves to your electronics and other valuables so that you can sleep in until 8:30…. ‘CUZ FALL BACK!
3. Wake up a second time to a little person gently stroking your arm to wake you up. Wait, that doesn’t sound right.. More like: they utilize the Aggressive Poking Method to jar you awake and then stand next to your bed looking like Samara from The Ring.
4. Walk children back to bed and attempt to explain Daylight Savings to them. It mostly sounds like this, “It is 5:00 in the morning which means you need to glue yourself to that bed until I come get you. You may play with toys. You may not take your diaper off. Goodbye.”
5. Rooster crows in the distance (from the suburban backyard of neighbors who mistakenly thought their chicks were hens).
6. Settle back into bed just as baby wakes up in crib. Go into baby’s room and find toddler next to baby’s crib. Invoke highest level of discipline and most stern facial expressions.
7. Bring all children into parents’ bed. Turn on iPad and pray they don’t know how to navigate to chat rooms yet because SO HELP ME Mama needs 15 more minutes of sleep.
Before we all enter the Twilight Zone, parents, you should know that a Survival Bunker has been created especially for you. In the days after the fall-out of Daylight Savings when schedules have been thrown to the wind and children are wide awake at ungodly hours, you can slip away to the Survival Bunker to recharge. This may be your only hope at making it through the next week.
Entry to the Bunker requires a retinal scan of exhausted parents’ bloodshot eyes. The doors open and you take a “Before” headshot looking like the Bride of Chucky for a Rodan & Fields rep. They’ll attend to your dark under eye circles with eye cream samples that are probably made of magical fairy whispers.
Take a moment to hook up to your liquid of choice at the Caffeine IV Station. Coffee addicts can pump in their own shots of espresso, while other stations cater to non-coffee drinkers: Coke, Mountain Dew, and a Suicide Soda mixing five energy drinks into one IV. It’ll wake you up and make your eyes twitch.
Support groups are available at various meeting areas in the Bunker if you would like to connect with other parents experiencing the same Daylight Savings trauma. Each support group offers a bowl full of M&Ms alongside problem-solving strategies and encouragement. Topics covered will include:
-Tricking Your Kids Into Sleeping Later,
-How To Properly Function On The Monday After Daylight Savings,
-Group Celebration That Our Car Clocks Are Right Again.
Before leaving, release all the remaining tension with a deep tissue massage. Plenty of free sketchy options available, including but not limited to Single File Massage Trains and those Public Mall Massages where the masseuse uses their elbow to cut off your circulation. (I like to think it’s more relaxing than it sounds.)
On your way out the door, the Rodan & Fields paparazzi will capture your “After” shot looking all refreshed and bright-eyed and caffeinated. They’ll print out your souvenir pictures with the proud tagline, I SURVIVED DAYLIGHT SAVINGS WITH SMALL CHILDREN.
It’s a tough week ahead of us, parents. Let’s stick it to Daylight Savings and take care of business this week.
See you in the Survival Bunker.