Go Shawty! It’s Ya Earth Day!


In second grade, Bill Clinton wrote me a letter.
(For some of you: a moment of silence because I was in second grade when Bill Clinton was in office. And the younger ones are like “Isn’t Bill Clinton Hillary’s husband?”)

I digress.

I wrote a letter to President Bill Clinton during my super-granola phase in second grade.  My friends and I started a “Save the Earth Club” and we did really noble things like pick up trash at recess and make personalized t-shirts with glow in the dark paint pens.  Once I got my shirt, I think I disbanded our club, but sometime before that I wrote to the White House begging them to please save our Earth!  I eventually received a letter on White House stationary signed by ole Bill but I think we both know he did not have relations with my letter. (True story.  They also sent me this Bill Clinton trading card.  Blog poll: Over/Under I’d get $3 for this trading card on eBay..)

True Story

Why do I bring this up?
April 22 is Earth Day and I am currently failing miserably at saving the Earth.  Like, if my carbon footprint was tangibly seen, it’d best be described as Shaq lacing up his size 22s, tying cinder blocks to the bottom and repeatedly stomping in the same place until the crater was big enough to toss in my litter and pesticides and probably some greenhouse gases.

This year I’m making some Earth Day Resolutions, kind of like New Year’s Resolutions, but more focused on the whole “Reduce, Reuse, Recycle” theme.  If Al Gore can invent the Internet, then Bill Clinton and Captain Planet and I can save our Earth!  Walk with me through some resolutions…

Currently:  The water stays on continuously while I brush my teeth and sometimes even stays on overnight.  My husband is guilty of spraying half a gallon of water from his toothbrush onto the bathroom mirror as he knocks it dry against the sink.  The washing machine seems to realize it is in use every 90 minutes and just turns itself on these days, whether or not clothes made it in. And sometimes I shower long enough to sing the entire Adele CD with one or two encore performances.

Henceforth, I commit to conserving water by discontinuing all laundry and dishwashing services in our home.  I sacrifice our family’s cleanliness and the sanitation grade of my kitchen for the sake of the reservoirs, wherever they may be. If any clothes need to be washed or dishes need to be rinsed, we will stand out in the rain as a family and let nature do her natural, beautiful thang.  I will exchange the time spent washing clothes and dishes with watching one episode of Planet Earth on Netflix, and also multiple episodes of Parks & Rec.

Currently: Not to brag but I’m kind of amazing at recycling, like sometimes the lid won’t even shut. My husband has 1/4 of his Mountain Dew left and I swoop in to get the can, “NOPE I hear the recycling truck. You can drink out of the faucet.”  I’m also that person who pulled out all of the tissue paper from the baby presents we received and folded it into squares to save for later use… because that’s totally normal and not at all Type A.  (This is a safe place, everyone.  Let’s just wave our freak flags and recycle already.)

Henceforth, I commit to stop hoarding dozens of plastic Target bags under our sink as if our bathroom trash can liners really require that much attention.  I will purchase reusable cloth shopping bags, preferably trendy canvas totes with tribal feathers or woodland animals wearing hipster glasses.  (Are there even any other types?)

Currently: I drive everywhere.  EVERY-WHERE.  Not in a Prius either.  And don’t even get me started on driving around to get my child to sleep.  I am not above jumping in our 4Runner with a fussy baby and taking a tour of the county so that my child is finally lulled to sleep.  I could give the D.O.T. a full report on the conditions of all local highways and back roads, which pot holes woke my baby up, and which organizations are not fulfilling their Adopt-a-Highway duty to clean up the Burger King wrappers littered err’where.

Henceforth, I commit to still driving around to get my child to sleep, because SANITY.  But I may also try out biking or walking a little more to decrease the pollution to which I am surely contributing.  (If y’all see me walking down Glenwood Avenue with my baby strapped into the Ergo, I probably need a ride to the mall so pull over and make some room for me. Unless I’m wearing my FitBit- then keep going because my self esteem is very much linked to my step count.)

Currently: If I know one thing, it’s this: buying Kettle Cooked BBQ Chips at your neighborhood Harris Teeter does not initiate you in the Buy Local/Eat Local Club.  As committed foodies, we already frequent restaurants that use locally grown, locally sourced foods.  We haven’t taken the plunge into the homegrown movement (i.e. harvesting bushels of potatoes in our raised soil beds) mainly because there would be zero sustainability.  Our crops would have no hope.  I can’t keep an ice cube orchid alive, more or less an entire crop of cherry tomatoes.

Henceforth, I gladly commit to upping my Farmers Market game in the coming months to indulge in some local summer produce.  I promise to Instagram my spread of corn and peaches and watermelon with the following hashtags: #nofilter #buylocal #eatlocal #shoplocal #locallygrown #homegrown #realfood #locavore #naturescandy #nomoremoney #moremoneymoreproblems

Hopefully these Earth Day Resolutions will last longer than my New Year’s Resolutions and will make a small dent in saving the Earth!  Like I always say, “Reduce (laundry), Reuse (tissue paper but not toilet paper), and Recycle (cardboard and popsicle sticks to make Pinterest pocketbooks).”  May Earth Day be today and every day!