The Summer Olympics are here in all of its glory and I am completely on board with the hype. America really needed this right now, something positive of this magnitude to unite us all together. It’s like we collectively threw a Phelps Face to the Donald Trump headlines and realized we are better than this.
The Opening Ceremony was the part of the Olympics where Brazil was like “Guys, don’t hate us! We gave you Gisele!” There was lots of music and fanfare but I was living for the entrance of all the countries with their flags. Aside from the fact that I felt certain the same blonde white girl kept recycling back through the line up, each country showcased such unique and beautiful athletes. It fascinated me how they are all different, yet so very similar. Don’t even get me started on the Refugee Olympic Team. AMAZING.
So basically this is where I’ve been the past week with the rest of America: planted in the living room, cheering, marveling, fact checking the commentators on Google.
You know when you’re watching the Olympics and the athletes make their event look way too easy? Like you sit there and think, “I could probably swim that fast if I felt like it.” I loved this tweet:
Y’all. How much would the Internet die if this happened!? How do we make this happen for Tokyo 2020? Do we all change our Facebook pictures at the same time? Can we write a Congressman? Do we hold a Hunger Games Reaping Ceremony to decide who competes?
While some people may be thrilled to represent the regular people in the Olympics, I am not one of those. After much deliberation and prayer, I have decided to withdraw my name from consideration as the average person in the Olympics.
I repeat: I DO NOT VOLUNTEER AS TRIBUTE.
In all potential scenarios where I represent the USA in a sport as the Average One, I either physically die or bring embarrassment to everyone who’s ever lived in America. Plus a swim cap doesn’t do much for anybody.
In the extremely unlikely scenario that I competed against Olympic athletes in their sport, here’s probably how it would all go down:
Olympic Swimmers: Set world record, do treading water hugs with teammates
Me in Rio: Doggy paddling 1/3 way through my first lap, looking for dive rings on the pool floor
Olympic Divers: Dive off the platform doing two and a half twists, return to pike position, check text messages mid-air, one and a half somersaults, dive into the water
Me in Rio: Foot cramp while standing backward on the diving board edge, wow the crowd with my backward Pencil jump, yell out SKITTLES!!!!! before hitting the water
(because how can anyone jump off a diving board and not play Categories? This is beyond me.)
Olympic Gymnasts: Balance beam dismount- Double back tuck full twist
Me in Rio: Walk 3 steps, try to pivot, flail limbs in every direction, R.I.P.
Commentators on Olympic Beach Volleyball Players: “Kerri Walsh Jennings makes a phenomenal dive into the sand to keep that ball alive. Her experience on the court and her sheer determination just make her an unstoppable force here in Rio.”
Commentators on me in Rio: “She collapses into the sand after it appears the Aussie spiked the volleyball directly onto her body. Is she laying in the sand in her two piece in the fetal position? Let’s take a look at the slow motion replay to see what’s happening here.. OH! OKAY AVERT THE EYES!! EVERYONE THIS IS NOT A DRILL. THERE IS A LOT OF FLESH EXPOSED. CAN WE ALL AGREE TO UNSEE THIS? CUT TO RYAN SEACREST DOING NOTHING ON A BEACH.”
Olympic Sprinters: Completing the 100m in 9.81 seconds to win gold
(For reference, it takes me 9.81 seconds to remember how to spell and write my name)
Me in Rio: Explode out of the starting blocks onto the Pocket Rocket for a 100m piggyback ride
As you can see, it would be a tremendous disservice to choose me to participate in any Olympic sport. Just to be clear though, my patriotic nail art would entirely make up for what I lack in skill.
I may not ever compete in the Olympics and I’m more than okay with that.
I’ll just have to settle for being an Olympic judge from the convenience of my couch, casually saying, “I could do that”.