When it snows most places in America, people calmly put on their down feather jackets, lace up their Sorel boots, and head out the door to work with coffee in hand. Life goes on. It just happens to go on colder and whiter.
And then there’s the South.
The moment there’s a snowflake anywhere in the ten day forecast, everyone gets really intense and involved with their local weather app. People sprint through grocery stores buying all the food from all the aisles. The hype gets built up and starts trending online. Everything gets shut down before the weather even gets bad. And then you end up with a day off from school when it turns out to be a chilly rain. Or, you get the rare snowfall that paralyzes everyone and causes pandemonium, as seen here:
So here I write this from my couch on a Snow Day. This is a list of the outrageous questions that Southerners ask when it snows, because we just don’t know any better and because bless our hearts.
- How can I obtain the meteorologist’s personal cell number?
- When will they cancel school?
- When will they cancel work?
- When will they shut down the city so I can re-watch every episode of This Is Us and feel my feelings?
- Babe, can you look in all of the closets until you find the box with my snow clothes?
- What are the driving rules in inclement weather?
- More specifically, how does driving work?
- Do we have enough food to feed us all for the month of January?
- Will my children like experiencing frostbite?
(Based on her facial expression, SURVEY SAYS NO)
- Does snow cream count toward the Raw Food Diet?
- What hashtag are we all using for our snow Instas, you guys?
- When the meteorologist said 6-8″ yesterday, does that mean 6-8″ of lies or………………?
- Wouldn’t it save time to just announce “ALL FIRST BAPTIST CHURCHES IN THE CAROLINAS ARE CLOSED” instead of scrolling every individual FBC closing across the screen?
- Will I look like a loser if I’m pouring kitty litter to gain tire traction?
- What are the food essentials I need to buy at the store? (strawberry toaster strudels…Swedish fish…party size bags of Chex Mix…)
- If my kids are driving me crazy, am I allowed to lock them out the next time they go play outside?
- Why is snow SO FREAKING COLD.
- How homeless should I look on this particular snow day?
- Does that weatherman know he is not helping my trust issues with men?
- *opens pantry during power outage* What meal can I fix my family using leftover Christmas candy, lemonade powder, and crunchy peanut butter?
- What would Olaf do?
- Is there anything worse than sleet?
- How much food is too much food to eat in one day?
- Are there babies in little tiny snow bunting outfits in heaven? (I have to assume yes)
- If we lose power and my phone dies, will I die too? (I have to assume yes)
- How many filters do I need to put on a picture so it looks like I showered recently?
- Was the entire purpose of this snow day that I should rearrange our living room furniture six different times?
- Is today the day I find out if my Schnauzer could have made it racing in the Iditarod?
- How is the weather forecast taking us from Arctic tundra to spring fever in five days? Explain yourself, EL NINO.
This is only a small sampling of the questions that Southerners ask on any given snow day and should not be considered a comprehensive list. There are at least a hundred more. Tell me- what did I miss?