When I Die, Spread My Ashes in Target’s Threshold Aisle

Being of sound mind and body, I hereby publish the above blog post title to fulfill a lifelong wish of being permanently one with Target.  Please also spread some of my ashes in figure-8 patterns through Women’s Apparel to commemorate my mindless wandering past the Xhilaration Lace Fringe tops and Merona pencil skirts.  May it be so.

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When you have to go to Target… {Behind the Scenes Exclusive}

BEFORE A TARGET TRIP
What my husband says: “Would you grab deodorant and a pack of Gatorade at Target today?”
What I hear my husband say: “Your mission, should you choose to accept it, involves spending under $15 and no more than ten minutes in Target.  It is essential that you are to only purchase deodorant and Gatorade.  Should you arrive home with eight plastic bags of merchandise I will personally self destruct.  Good luck.”
Me: “Wut.”

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DURING A TARGET TRIP

I walk in to Target (determined not to need a shopping cart) and chant my mantra: “Deodorant, Gatorade, Deodorant, Gatorade, Deodorant, Gator– ooooh Dollar Spot!!!”  Suddenly, I start to rationalize the necessity of purchasing embellished clothespins and mini chalkboards and something that says I can grow thyme.  I don’t even know how to use thyme to flavor dishes…  does it go with baked potatoes?  soup?  cereal?  Whatevs, it’s only $3!  I load up my left arm with Dollar Spot swag and take the long way to the Gatorade.

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While he did not think this sweater was cute, I texted four other friends who confirmed: so cute.  Several aisles and many minutes later, I make it up to the register with nine pounds of merchandise balanced across my upper body.  The cashier scans …and scans… and scans… and declares, “That’ll be 164.33.”  I just black out.  I don’t even know what she just said. Swipe.

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AFTER A TARGET TRIP
*Husband looks at receipt*
Me
: WHATHADHAPPENEDWAS..

This is the part of the story where you have to explain why you forgot to buy deodorant but purchased the pack of Gatorade and Dollar Spot items plus wrapping paper, hand weights, 2 storage bins, a cardigan, contact solution, new flats (ON SALE YOU’RE WELCOME), and a Threshold accent rug.  “You don’t know my life!!!!!!!”

What my husband says: You are banned from Target indefinitely.
What I hear my husband say:    target meme

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In life there are two kinds of people: the ones with a Red Card and then the other people.  If you have a Red Card, you understand what I’m saying.  You know what it’s like to end up as a squatter in Aisle B12’s Promised Land singing “Jesus Take the Wheel”.  The other people… they were at Walmart on Black Friday elbow dropping for a crockpot. At Target, we don’t wait in long lines just to get physical.  Unless it’s Lilly for Target.  In which case, you will get boxed out for a tunic that’s two sizes too big by a blonde in a tennis skirt so she can get it tailored to size or sell it on eBay.

Please remember, this isn’t meant to be morbid, I’m just preparing for all potential scenarios.  If the battle for a tunic gets too physical and I don’t make it out, honor my memory by spreading my ashes in all of my favorite Target places: Women’s Apparel.. the Greeting Card section.. all of the Threshold aisles.. that wall of nail polish.. also the aisle with the cat feather wands.. Grocery.. that little section with all the baby shoes for newborns.. sprinkle a little on the Nate Berkus collection because I’m somewhat interested but not committed enough to purchase.. the Icee machine.. and not to be forgotten, the Dollar Spot that always ends up costing me many, many dollars.