Thank you, YouTube Workout Videos, for encouraging me to do things that I’d never be seen doing in public like, for example, working out. Only in the privacy of my living room would I be caught attempting a headstand out of plank position or kettlebell swing/burpee combo…….. more like a side somersault out of plank position and kettlebell swing/nah I’m good combo. I can wear whatever I want, take water breaks whenever I want, and eat Cheez-Its in between workouts if I want- because YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME Jillian Michaels! A small piece of me seems to die every time a smiling instructor springs out of a plank jack and high fives someone, but you know what they say- what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. So thank you, YouTube Workout Videos, for pushing me to the brink of death yet letting me live to see the end of my Barre workout with tighter quads, stronger glutes, and fewer Cheez-Its.
Thank you, Aveeno Advertisements, for subliminally promising me that if I use your products I’ll look just like Jennifer Aniston. I’ve been exfoliating with the Skin Brightening Daily Scrub for eight months now; I know that once it finally removes my epidermis, dermis, and subcutaneous tissue, then I’ll be able to use your hydrating lotions and rebuild my entire facial structure to match Jen’s. She’s in the advertisements like “I’m so breezy, I’m just going to wear this sweater off one shoulder”, so I’ve been practicing in the mirror like “Oh hey, I’m really breezy too, and my pajama shirt looks naturally beautiful off my shoulder. It’s so natural and so beautiful when the collar gets stretched out and just hangs there.” My sincerest thanks, Aveeno, to you and your magical oats formula that specializes in facial reconstruction.
Two more days of Thank You Notes on their way… stay tuned.