Just because I’m writing you this letter doesn’t mean I like you. Because you and I both know it didn’t go well the last time we saw each other.
In my defense, you smelled like Vicks Vapo-Rub and Brunswick Stew and barnyard animals. Mom said I had to take a picture with you but I wasn’t prepared for my nostrils to start bleeding when I got tossed onto your lap. Plus we both saw Mom run over to JCrew to check the clearance rack, like you’re some kind of geriatric childcare service at the mall. I clearly experienced a lot of trauma at once, Santa, so please don’t put me on the Naughty List just because I activated an Amber Alert with my Code Red screaming.
I’m still trying to understand who you are and what you do, but people tell me you bring kids stuff. (And you name call, which will buy you a one-way ticket to Time Out. But my Mom isn’t here, so if I’m a ho, then you a ho. Making my haters my motivators since 2014.)
Since it appears to be in both of our best interests that we never see each other again until I turn three, here are some things you can bring me for Christmas.
MY CHRISTMAS NEEDS LIST:
- One stick from my yard, no wait- two. Two sticks from my yard.
2. Paw Patrol cars to drop into the guest bathroom toilet
3. ACTUAL DINNER FOOD that has absolutely no resemblance to the food (?) my parents put on my plate every night. Food I deem acceptable: bbq chips, pancakes, or Halloween candy
4. A life-size bulldozer
5. Dad’s new credit card number, complete with exp date and CVV, dunno what that is but Mom told me to ask you for it ok lol
6. Teether toy. This works-
7. AAA batteries. (Dad always tries to say “the toy went night-night” but we all know he snaked the batteries and killed the Singing Picnic Basket.)
8. Pet cow
9. Or a pet brother
10. An iPhone7 with unlimited talk and text and enough data to hold 50,000 of the same photo:
11. A simple character t-shirt with Elmo, Daniel Tiger, Dora, and Mickey Mouse all playing in the Chick-fil-A playspace and Dora’s Mom is climbing up the play area stairs to put Dora in time out
12. Instruments… maracas, finger cymbals, a tambourine, a triangle (Building up my arsenal for next road trip.)
I guess that covers it. Please get me everything on this list and DON’T SCREW IT UP or else I’ll make sure the gas logs are on next year. Naughty list? Worth it.
Merry Christmas, ho.
An Unnamed Toddler