Would You Rather: Slide Down a Razor Blade into a Pool of Rubbing Alcohol… or Open a Door While Pushing a Stroller?
Opening a door to enter a building while pushing a stroller is admittedly a first world problem- but certainly one that needs to be addressed. I don’t even understand why this is so stressful. It just is. When I’m out running errands, it takes me seven minutes, a twelve-point turn, and two Xanax before I can physically enter a store with my child. Honestly.. we have entire careers devoted to inventing products that maximize our convenience and comfort. For crying out loud, someone invented a night light for your toilet bowl. And sells it. For money. MURICA THE BEAUTIFUL! Let it be known that if someone invents a robotic stroller arm with an opposable thumb, I will purchase this product and endorse it until the day I die. (LOOKIN AT YOU fifteen year old on Shark Tank!)
If you’re new to the Stroller Situation, let me break down this tedious six step process. I can’t guarantee this is the best way to maneuver a stroller into a building, but I’d like to offer it as a suggestion. If you are a seasoned parent who has discovered a better method, tell me your ways and I will sit at your feet and be your Padawan and grow up to be a Stroller Jedi just like you.
The Pathway to Insanity Six Steps to Opening a Door With a Stroller:
Step One: Casually approach the door to Hallmark and hit the door with the stroller to see if there are any handicapped door activators. [Spoiler alert: There are none.]
Step Two: Turn around and wheel the stroller backward toward the door. In one fluid motion, fling the door open but also insert your body in the doorway so the door stays “open”. You will develop a hematoma but you are also a parent who has to learn the child comes first.
Step Three: Shuffle backward and pull the stroller. The front wheels will probably lock at some point in your journey so be prepared to pop a wheelie and ruff ride into Hallmark if it comes to that.
Step Four: HEAVEN HELP US if there are any individuals watching you do all of this without offering to help. If this happens, stop and stare into their eyes so they can see deep into your soul. Or “accidentally” run over their toes once you make it in. Or both.
Step Five: Your body is in the store but the stroller is stuck in the doorway. If I understand science correctly, your child really won’t retain any of these early childhood memories so if the door closes on him a few times while you continue dragging the stroller backward, they’ll think about it for, like, 90 seconds then go back to thinking about how to kick off one shoe.
Step Six: Now- please pivot approximately nine times.
Your reward for making it successfully into the store is two minutes of victorious browsing before your kid lets it all go in his diaper and you need to find a bathroom. That’s predictably when I fall to my knees in despair and claw all the product off the shelves and get kicked out of the store.
But at least they open the door for me on the way out…
Three cheers for automatic doors, helpful strangers, and Amazon Prime!